My skin turns to sh*t

After my skin spiralled out of control earlier this year, it HAD to get better. There was no other option. I literally couldn’t carry on as I was. Couldn’t face the world.

So the dermatologist put me on some hardcore antibiotics and told me I would never go back on Roaccutane. I started to see improvements. Fast. I also felt dreadful. I was supposed to take them three times a day for a week, but I couldn’t function on them. I managed four days, then cut down to two doses a day. After two weeks, the dermatologist was satisfied with my progress and I went down to one dose a day.

And then, three or four weeks ago, my skin started looking a bit worse. And a bit worse. And worse again.

All of a sudden, it didn’t look a whole lot different from when it was it at its absolute worst. I’d got to the point where I kept my head down and wouldn’t look people in the eye again.

Bad skin, Acne, Rosacea, Skin

Sometimes, I just wished I could have my Roaccutane back. The Roaccutane that, for three lovely months, made me look flawless. For the first time since I was 11.

Flawless skin, Skin, Acne, Roaccutane

Then I remembered that, somehow, Roaccutane had caused all this. I would be happy to have my old skin back. The skin that always had a bit of acne. Never flawless, but never the sort of skin that made me need to hide. I had spots. It wasn’t great for a woman in her 40s, but it was normal to me. I dealt with it.

What you have to understand about me, is I don’t care about my appearance. I never stressed about it as a teenager and I don’t stress about it now. I don’t wear make-up, I don’t get my hair cut. I’ve never plucked my eyebrows, used hair straighteners or worried about my shape or size and I’ve never used fake tan. For me, appearance just isn’t a big deal. It’s not on the radar. So if I hate my appearance, believe me, it’s bad!

And you can’t wear a wolly hat in April.

I walked into the dermatologist’s room with my head down. I didn’t need to speak. He saw it straight away.

I have to say – he’s so good. Not one of those lovely NHS types you want to be your best friend, but very knowledgeable, very professional and very understanding.

The antibiotics had kept the spots at bay, but reducing the dose wasn’t strong enough to keep it away. I can’t stay on the antibiotics forever, or even for much longer, so I have to have a long-term solution that works.

The dermatologist totally gets that I hate looking like this. He knows it has to change. And he will make it change for me. He will try every combination of every treatment going until we hit that magic formula.

I’ve had blood tests, lots of them, to check if there is anything strange which has caused my outbreaks.

In the meantime, I’m onto plan C or D, I don’t know what we’re up to now. Unbelievably, I’m back on Roaccutane. But a VERY low dose. 10mg. I was on a low dose before – 20mg. A lot of people have 30, 40, 45 even. Being on a low dose doesn’t make it any less effective, I just have to use it for longer. Alongside this, I will stay on the antibiotics for a month.

If all goes well, I will gradually increase the Roaccutane and decrease the antibiotics. I will be very closely monitored until I’m better.

I feel very down. I hate looking at myself in mirrors. I don’t want people to see me. I hate looking people in the eye.

I want a miracle. I want to wake up tomorrow and it all be gone. That’s not going to happen. But maybe this time it will be the start of a solution.

Author: Sarah Mummy

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17 Comments

  1. oh Sarah – your skin looks really painful, I feel for you. I hope you see significant improvement really soon. Hang in there!

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    • Thanks very much! I really hope we find something that works this time.

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  2. Oh Sarah, I hope it is improving for you soon, I am sorry it is leaving you wanting to hide away 🙁 xxx

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    • Thanks very much. It’s OK until I remember that it’s there! 🙁 x

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  3. Oh Sarah, it looks so sore. I really hope the dermatologist manages to find a combination that helps. Hope you are feeling better sooner rather than later xx

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    • Thanks very much! So do I! I can’t cope with looking like this much longer, I really do look hideous and that’s hard to live with. x

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  4. You are right, you are the person least likely to make a fuss about a few spots, so for you to feel that way is really sad :(. Is it genetic Sarah? Did your parents suffer at all? It must be baffling the doctors that there doesn’t seem to be a pattern, we can usually blame hormonal fluctuations or lack of sleep or booze for the odd breakout. If only this was that simple.

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    • My mum discovered only recently that there was (and still is) adult acne on her side of the family – her brother, cousin and uncle. I’m sure the reason it’s got this bad is down to the medication, but now it’s a case of finding the right medication to undo the damage. I never thought it would be possible to be this bothered by my appearance, but I’ve never looked hideous before. It’s incredibly hard to deal with.

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    • Thanks very much! It is very sore.

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  5. you’re very brave sharing pictures of something that makes you so uncomfortable for people to see, i really hope you get to the bottom of all of this. I must have missed why you came came off the roaccutane if it was working

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    • Thanks very much! I find it easier sharing pictures than looking people in the eye! I won’t have any family pictures taken though – these are like keeping my own medical records to chart my own progress. The Roaccutane worked and then it stopped working, which is why I was taken off it. I hope going back on it is the right thing to do.

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  6. i know just how you feel and have just had a barrage of questions at the school gates about my skin which even hubby has commented on meaning it must be bad. Hope the Meds kick in quickly x

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    • Thanks very much! It surprises me that people talk to you about it. Nobody dares mention it to me! I think they fear offending me. My husband is very good and very supportive.

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  7. Oh gosh….Your face looks so sore….I hope the medication starts to work soon! Sending big hugs x

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    • Thanks very much! I’m really hoping it starts to work soon. x

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  8. Oh you poor thing, you have had such a nightmare with all of this and all in an effort to try and get it sorted. I really hope that you can find a treatment that works soon

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