Return to the dermatologist

Since I last went to the dermatologist, my skin has got a lot worse, then a bit better, then a bit worse and, finally, quite a lot better. It still looks weird, wrong, strange, not right. Ugly, even. But it’s improving. And that’s all that matters to me.

I’d been very low . Two weeks previously, I’d walked around Marks & Spencer on the brink of tears. Everyone I saw was so beautiful and so normal. And I knew how bad I looked. And I hated that. I hated that people were looking at me and wondering what was wrong with me. I just wanted to cry.

But, by the time I went to the dermatologist, I was feeling a lot more positive.

He’s good. He’s very good.

Before I’d even sat down, he’d assessed me and come up with his next plan of action.

He wasn’t as pleased with my progress as I was. He is going to hit it even harder. It will get better. It will be normal. Perfect, even. Like I’d never had spots at all.

So I have a new cocktail of drugs. I’m back up to 20mg of Roaccutane, after a month on 10mg. He’s now saying that coming off it all was probably a mistake. A couple of months ago, he said I would never go back on it. I’m still on antibiotics, but a more gentle one, one that hopefully shouldn’t leave a permanent horrible taste in my mouth, plus I’ve got a steroid cream. The spots don’t stand a chance.

There were two medical students in the room. He summarised what was going on with me in words that went ‘whoosh…’ straight over me head. He talked about the difference between acne and roscaea and how I’d had one, then the other, then both…

I didn’t follow a word, other than the use of the word ‘pustules’, which apparently I still have. Can you think of a more unpleasant word than ‘pustules’? I’m over pustules. I don’t want to have them. To be honest, I didn’t even think I had them. I’m feeling better. I’m telling myself I’m normal, although I’m aware I still have a big red mask all over my face, apart from my panda eyes of clear skin.

I wanted the students to know I wasn’t too bad, really. I showed them the pictures of when I was really bad. I wanted them to know that, even though I look awful and ugly, that it had been a whole lot worse. That I was really getting better.

‘You don’t have a blog about this, do you?’ asked the dermatologist.

What a strange question! Why would he ask that?

‘Well, yes, I do blog about it, actually.’

I don’t think he was prepared for THAT answer!

Roaccutane, Medicines, Acne, Skin, 365

Author: Sarah Mummy

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  1. Haha your dermatologist knows about your blog?? He sounds very good and determined which must be a fantastic feeling. Always brilliant when you have a good doctor. It’s very reassuring isn’t it? And he is right. It WILL get better x

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    • Thanks, I’m sure it will (though I’m pretty sure it’s got a bit worse AGAIN!). I still think he couldn’t possibly know about my blog. I reckon he was just making a joke and didn’t expect me to say that I actually do have a blog! x

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  2. I wonder if he’s going to pass your blog on to medical students to read. I’m glad you’re feeling better and I hope you begin to see a real difference soon xx

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    • Thanks very much. It’s a real rollercoaster. I swear it’s looking a bit worse again! That would be very strange to think of medical students reading my blog! x

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  3. He must have been googling you on the quiet! I’m glad he has a plan, he sounds very clear on that. I do hope that this is the start of a positive turn for you. x

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    • Thanks very much! He always has a plan, although they do change rather often! I really don’t know how he could have found my blog. There’s nowhere where my name and surname are linked to it, other than my personal Facebook! x

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    • It’s a strange thought! On the one hand I hope not, but there’s nothing negative in it, so it wouldn’t really matter.

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  4. I really hope this helps hon. You are doing amazing and I’m sending you lots of love and hugs. I love that your dermatologist knows about your blog x

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    • Thanks very much, I really appreciate that! I didn’t give him the blog name, so I don’t know if he knows about it or if it was just a lucky guess! I think he was surprised when I said I do have a blog. x

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  5. Thanks very much, I really hope so! It’s horrible having it, but I live in hope that something is going to clear it – and soon! x

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  6. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been going through such a hard time with this. I feel dreadful about my appearance purely through my own laziness in not making an effort. It must be terrible to be unhappy with the way that you look due to something that is out of your control. I’m pleased to hear that your dermatologist is on the case and hope things are still looking up.xx

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    • Thanks very much! We’ll get there in the end, but it’s taking a lot longer than I’d hoped. I don’t usually take a lot of care of my appearance and it doesn’t really bother me, but, like you say, having no control over it is harder. x

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