I am 50 and a bit miserable

I recently wrote about my positive feelings about turning 50. And I absolutely stand by everything I said there. I do feel positive about turning 50.

But I want to be honest here. I feel miserable most afternoons.

It’s probably a menopause thing. I’ve been on HRT for five years now, so I can only assume I would feel worse if I didn’t have it. I think I’ve always felt quite tired in the afternoons. It’s something I remember even when I worked in an office.

Now I just feel tired, miserable, lonely, overwhelmed and lacking motivation. Every single day. I can’t even describe how overwhelming the feeling is that I just want to sit down and read a book. It is literally all I ever want to do in the afternoons.

If you’re nice, you’re probably reading this and thinking ‘well just read a book then, nothing else matters’. I’d probably say the same to someone else too, but of course the other stuff does matter. Things just need doing and organising. All the flipping time. Even when your kids are grown up.

The mornings are good. I get up pretty early and I actually sleep a bit better than I used to (I get about six and a half hours now). I go running or walking and do a few chores. I work well all morning.

Then I have my lunch and take Hetty for a walk. Ideally, I would wait until I’d finished work before taking Hetty out. But that isn’t really fair on her. Some days she has a walk before work, but if I’m running, the lunchtime walk will be her first walk of the day.

Then I need to get back to work. And I really struggle.

Usually in the afternoons I work for my second client and I only have to do about an hour, but even that is hard. I keep telling myself I can read after that. But there is always a phone call to make or an email to send. There’s washing to bring in and guinea pigs to clean. The hoovering needs doing or my car needs petrol. It just all feels like a real uphill battle to me.

On top of my lack of motivation, there’s the loneliness. I know a lot of people work at home on their own these days, so I’m sure a lot of people can relate. I like to have my family around me. Even if they’re in another room, I just feel better knowing that they’re there.

I’ve been working on my own at home for nearly 10 years (and I have no plans to go back to an office, because I do enjoy the flexibility). I’ve always felt a bit lonely, but I think it got worse after the Covid lockdowns, when I got used to having other people at home for a long time. I used to look forward to picking my son up from school every day. Then, when he started driving to school, I looked forward to him coming home. Often in year 13 he would even be home early.

Now my son is in his 2nd year at uni. My daughter is at a different school and she gets home later. I look forward to her getting home, but it feels like a long wait. Most likely, in less than a year, she will be at university too. My eldest is also planning to move out next year. And I’m really not sure how I will cope.

Will it be easier than when my son went because I know what to expect? Or will it be harder because the nest really will be empty?

I don’t think my afternoons are getting to get more cheerful for a while yet. Thank goodness for Hetty, my husband and books. As long as I’ve got books, I can take my mind off most things.

I was talking to my oldest friend about this recently. She has also just turned 50 and said she feels exactly the same. She said she doesn’t know anyone else who feels like this specifically in the afternoons. So it was nice to know we’re not alone!

Does anyone else who is menopausal and/ or facing an empty nest feel this way?