Tired

I’m tired. Very tired. In fact, I think I’ve been tired since 2013. Yet, strangely, I’ve only just realised that I’m tired.

The reason I didn’t realise I’m tired is that my tiredness doesn’t manifest itself as ‘I must go to sleep now’. I don’t have afternoon naps. To be honest, I can think of few things worse.

But my default mood is slightly miserable and I lack motivation, particularly in the afternoons and evenings. Even the simplest tasks can feel like a mountain to climb. Compare this to my husband, who does a very long and intense working day, then comes home and does something like reorganise a kitchen cupboard or the garage, before getting back to work in the evening.

But he sleeps for two, or even three, hours longer than me.

On average, I sleep for just under six hours a night. I do believe I need less sleep than some people, but probably not as little as I’m getting. Because if I slept more, I would feel happier and less overwhelmed.

I have a strange body clock which wakes me for the exact same time every morning for a few days, before shifting slightly. Generally speaking, the time is around the 5am mark. Most commonly, it will be 4.40 or 4.45.

After Christmas, I had a brief phase of waking at 5.22 every day. And I felt so much better for it. Less miserable, less overwhelmed, more motivated.

But of course it couldn’t last, and a few days later it was back to 4.42.

You may wonder how I can run marathons when I’m so tired. But I just can. My tiredness is more mental than physical (although it’s not unusual for me to fall asleep in front of the TV at 9pm). Running makes me feel better. It helps clear the worries and negative thoughts I wake up with every day.

But it doesn’t help me sleep better. Or if I sleep better thanks to running, I dread to think how bad my sleep would be without it.

I do all the ‘sleep hygiene’ stuff that is recommended. I don’t go on my phone or a laptop in the evening and I certainly don’t look at them in bed – either when I go to bed or when I wake up ridiculously early. But it makes no difference to me.

All the advice for helping people to sleep is aimed at people who struggle to go to sleep at night, not those who wake up ridiculously early. And I know from social media that there are a lot of people like me – mainly middle aged women. I guess I’m lucky that I at least fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

But it doesn’t matter if I go to bed at 10.30 or 12.30, I will still wake up at the exact same time.

I know I’m not lazy, but I went through a phase of thinking I was. Why can’t I just get on with tidying up the kitchen in the evening or motivate myself to put the washing away or bring the recycling boxes in? It’s because I’m tired.

I used to think my lack of capacity to do things was down to me being ‘too busy’ and maybe once it was. But the reality is, I’m less busy than I was a few years ago.

I have more work on and of course I have a dog now. But I only have one actual child at home now. My mum taxi requirements are down to three dance lessons a week. There’s no school run, no rugby or football, no Scouts or Explorers.

My life is easier and less busy than it was when I had one teenager and two tweens or two teenagers and one tween, but I still find it hard.

I do a lot of household chores first thing in the morning while the rest of the family are asleep. I can cope with them then. I have the motivation and they don’t overwhelm me. But later in the day it is a different matter.

And I’ve finally realised that it’s not because I’m lazy. It’s just because I’m tired.

In case, you’re wondering, I’ve been on HRT for over four years. It didn’t improve the length of time I slept for, but it took away ome of the fear and stress of being awake at 4.40am and helped me to feel calmer and more rested while I’m awake.