The other week I posted about my husband and son going off on a random Ikea trip. It was one of those quirky little posts about family life, something I will look back on in many years’ time and laugh at. What I hadn’t expected was that it would raise questions about my marriage.
People wondered why I would allow my husband to go off on his own without consulting me and without me being there to help make the decisions.
People also wondered why he spent so much on coffee. Couldn’t he make coffee at home?
My husband is my husband and my marriage is my marriage. It is a marriage based on trust and on knowing each other inside out.
We have been together for 25 years and married for nearly 18 years. We have our own personalities and our own strengths. We work as a team, we have our own jobs that we do within our family, our marriage and our home. We don’t need to consult each other on absolutely everything, because we trust each other.
Anyone who knows my husband well will know he has two speeds – 100mph or asleep. And I wouldn’t have him any other way. He works very hard and very long hours. When he’s not working, he will be cleaning the kitchen or decorating or doing the garden. He does things on a whim – a big garden project a couple of years ago was entirely done on a whim, as was decorating the spare room. He doesn’t like staying in the same place for too long, whether he’s at work or at home, so he goes out for coffee for a change of scene.
He can afford the coffee. WE can afford the coffee. I’m not going to begrudge him his little bit of pleasure for the sake of a couple of quid that he works very hard for.
And if he decides to suddenly go to Ikea without warning, that’s fine. Because I trust him to know what we need. He’s the one with the strategic brain, who can see the bigger picture, who can work out how things fit together. When he starts decorating or doing the garden, he has a picture of the finished product and what steps he will need to get there. Whereas I will just see mess and get confused and upset.
So he doesn’t need to ask me or check with me or consult with me, because I trust his judgement 100%.
Likewise, he trusts me to take all the day-to-day decisions about the kids and their schools and hobbies.
There are marriages where the women take all the decisions and marriages where the men take all the decisions. There are marriages where everything is done as a team. And that is fine. As long as nobody is controlling someone else against their will, people make their own marriages work and do things their way.
This is our way. And it works for us.