I am in turmoil right now. It’s been a month since I finished work and now it’s crunch time. I have to get my business off the ground, have to sell myself, have to make money. And I’m terrified. Terrified that I won’t be able to do it.
I’m so happy and relaxed not going to work every day and that I was able to spend Easter with the kids without complicated childcare arrangements and feeling like I was missing out. But in the back of my mind, it’s nagging away at me. I have to earn money.
I’ve done the easy wins, the bits I can do, the bits in my comfort zone – I have a website, a Twitter account and a Google+ account, so I at least look professional. I’m confident in my abilities to do the work, but I just don’t know how to find it.
I’m angry and snappy because I’m so frightened. We have a big house and a big mortgage and I need to make a contribution. But I want more than that, I want the new ensuite and the new kitchen and that’s even more money we don’t have. And, if I’m honest, I want an iPhone 5. I know, materialistic, but there you go. I only want a second hand one, but even they cost a lot. I have redundancy money, but I can’t justify throwing it away on a new phone when I’m not bringing anything in.
I’m not being very nice to my husband. I want his help, but sometimes he doesn’t have time to help and sometimes he gives me the wrong help. He tells me what I should write in an email and how I should address it personally. I know all that. That’s already in my head. I’m perfectly capable of emailing and writing and saying the right thing, but I’ve worked in a council all my life. I know nothing of of business and how to sell myself. My website, which might look acceptable to me as a blogger and ‘communications professional’ (for that is what I am) might not look right to the big, bad world of business out there.
I want work to fall in my lap. I want someone to come along and give me 10 hours work for them every week at £25 an hour, but I know that isn’t going to happen. I have a plan to offer to support schools for a tiny retainer. I’m going to need an awful lot of those tiny retainers to earn anything like a salary. And how do I even know the schools will want my help?
So I feel like running away. I throw myself into the things I know – housework and blogging. Because I can do those. Hey, I might not have any clients or any jobs, but haven’t I tidied the kitchen nicely and I’ve done three loads of washing today. Oooh, and I’ve written a lovely blogpost on Snowdon and taken some nice pictures of flowers. Because if I keep plugging away with my blog that might make me money. Right? Right?
No it won’t. Yeah, I know it makes other people money, but not me. MADs finalist two years running and inside the Tots 100 top 100 and I have done a total of four sponsored posts and three paid reviews in nearly three years. The last one I did was in SEPTEMBER last year. I’m not turning down opportunities, they’re not even coming my way.
Blogging is my comfort zone. I love doing it and I spend hours on it, but I have to step away from it. I have to face my fears. I have to communicate with people, I have to big myself up, I have to sell myself, I have to make money.
And I’m terrified.