The longest day part 5

It’s a day like any other in the summer holidays. Except that I decided to write down every single question the kids asked me, just to prove to myself and maybe even the rest of the world, how relentless parenting three children can be. Frankly, it’s rather like being hit round the head with a big stick.

We’ve made it through to lunchtime. If you want the full effect, read parts 1, 2, 3 and 4.

Any names are changed to protect the innocent.

The kids are aged 9, 6 3/4 and 4 1/4.

B1: Why is Dave funny?
Me: Because he’s quite old.
B1: Is Grandpa funny?
Me: No.
B1: How old is Grandma with Daisy? 68? 69?
Me: 65.
B1: How old is Dave?
Me: About 76, I think.
B1: How old are Grandma and Grandpa?
Me: 61 and 65.

LG: Why will Stella and Lucas come back from holiday on Sunday?
Me: It’s when they’re supposed to come back.
B2: What if someone knocks them over or something?
Me: They might come back earlier, but it’s not likely.
LG: What does unlikely mean?

LG: When are we going to Grandma’s for tea?
Me: At teatime.

B2: Can I have pudding?
Me: Yes.
B2: Can I have a cookie?
Me: Yes.

LG: Mummy, how do people make breadsticks?
Me: I don’t know, sweetheart.
LG: Is this the crust and this the bread?
Me: I suppose so.

LG: What did I have for pudding yesterday?
Me: I don’t know, I wasn’t here.

LG: Can I have telly and milk?
Me: OK, just for a little while.

B2: Mummy, can I have a cardigan?
Me: Yes, go and get one. Is it cold out?
B2: I’m going to do what the Karate Kid did, the hanging up thing.

LG: Mummy, do I need a plaster?
Me: What for?
LG: My knee.
Me: No, it’s not bleeding any more.

LG: What if the opticians, the people who work there, need a wee?
Me: There’s a toilet for the people who work there.
LG: What if someone else is in there?
Me: They have to wait.
LG: How do they know if someone’s in there?
Me: The door’s locked, like a normal toilet.

LG: Why have you got your shoes on in the house?
Me: I don’t know, actually, I don’t normally, do I?

Me: Right, we’re going to the opticians now.
B2: No.
Me: If someone is very good they can have a Puffle Tshirt.
B2: At the opticians?
Me: Afterwards. I said you could have one if you were good before holiday.
LG: Can I have a Puffle Tshirt?
Me: Yes, I said you could have one if you were good before holiday.

B1: Mummy, why is that bird poo blue?
Me: It’s been eating blackberries.

B1: What are they doing?
Me: I don’t know.

B1: What does beverage cartons mean?
Me: It’s drinks cartons, like orange juice and stuff.

B1: Who’s the best behaved? Me, B2 or LG?
Me: You’re all pretty good. Sometimes you’re good and sometimes you’re naughty.

LG: What’s that got on it, that balloon thing?
Me: It’s Nissan, for the garage.

LG: Why does B1 want the same lunchbox as Harry?
Me: He doesn’t. It’s the same lunchbox B1 had before and Harry has seen it in Waitrose.

B2: 60,051 miles.
LG: How long is that?
Me: It’s a very long way. It’s like Italy and back 30 times.

B2: How do I have to earn my Puffle Tshirt?
Me: By being very good.

B2: Gay.
B1: B2, stop saying that word.
B2: Why?
Me: Because you don’t know what it means and you mustn’t use it as an insult.

B2: Mummy, is it August now?
Me: Yes, it is.
B2: What’s the date?
Me: It’s the 3rd of August.

LG: Why don’t we come from that way?
Me: There’s more crossings that way, it’s harder to get down the road.

LG: Why is it always quiet here?
Me: Not many customers.
LG: Why aren’t there?
Me: I don’t know.

LG: What does brim mean?
Me: It means the top.

LG: What did B2 do?
Me: He filled the cup too much and cracked it.

LG: How do people mend people’s glasses? And how do they know that they need glasses?
Me: I don’t know. They do tests.

LG: How do they make it like this?
Me: I don’t know.
LG: Do they cut it off a bit.
Me: I don’t know.

LG: Where did the man go?
Me: To mend your glasses.
LG: Did you say they were a bit loose?
Me: Yes.
LG: When you were standing there?
Me: Yes.

B2: Half price clothes, can I have some?
Me: No, they don’t do them in your size.
B2: Do they do them in B1’s size?
Me: No, only LG’s.

LG: Why do they go round in a circle? That’s not amazing.
Me: I don’t know.

LG: Why does it fit me when it’s the wrong size?
Me: I don’t know.

B1: Can I buy this?
Me: Yes, with your own money.

LG: Can I buy this?
Me: No, you’ve got no money.

LG: Can I put my top on now?
Me: OK.

So the glasses are tightened and we’ve made it to mid-afternoon. There is still plenty of day, and plenty of questions, to go.

Author: Sarah Mummy

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