Growing up, not growing away

Lately I’ve seen so many posts on social media from parents of tweens and young teenagers saying things like: ‘Will make the most of it, because she probably won’t want to spend time with us in future’. Says who?

Yes, there are those teenagers who will choose to avoid days out, holidays and walks with their families, but there are plenty who don’t. So do make the most of it, but don’t assume your kids won’t want to hang out with you any more just because they’re 15, 18 or 22.

My kids are all actual adults now – aged 18, 20 and 22. My 18 year old is just doing her A Levels and will be going to university. My 20 year old is at university and my 22 year old did an apprenticeship and is still living at home.

They all still like to do things with us!

Of course they have friends, and the boys have girlfriends. They also like to spend time alone in their rooms, as teenagers and young adults do.

But if my younger son is at home, he will come on every single walk with me. My eldest will often join me for the evening dog walk. He always watches football on TV with my husband and sometimes watches crime dramas and sitcoms with us too. He sometimes joins us for our long run on a Sunday and has been to the running club with us a few times.

If one of us is nipping the supermarket, we will nearly always get an adult child joining us voluntarily. Sometimes they will even argue over which one of them is going to accompany us!

As my daughter is a sort of ‘only child’ now, she gets the benefit of things being cheaper for two or three people compared to five people. We’ve had a trip to the theatre in Bristol together and a couple of holidays with just the three of us.

And if you’re worried about your kids not being affectionate any more? My daughter is still very affectionate and hugs me several times a day. (My boys have never been big on hugging, so gave up many years ago.)

My eldest loves to go on holiday to weird and wonderful places – usually alone. So he doesn’t have enough annual leave to join us on family holidays (and they would probably be far too boring for him). But he always joins the extended family trip to Center Parcs, which we go on every few years.

My younger son loves to join the annual family holiday to Padstow and even shares a room with his sister. He went with us last year, at the age of 19, after a year of uni.

He wanted to come with us this year too, but we messed up! My husband is very happy that our holidays will no longer be ruled by school holidays, so he booked for that small window between schools going back and university starting. Except none of us realised that my son going into the third year of his medical degree means the start of his clinical years – learning in hospital rather than at uni. The clinical years have shorter holidays and he has to start at the end of August, so he will miss out on the holiday.

We will make sure our booking includes him next year, because I know he will still want to go with us.

So what is the secret?

I suppose it’s not to assume and not to exclude.

Don’t assume they won’t want to go on holiday with you/ out for the day with you/ watch TV with you. And don’t choose to do things which exclude them. Don’t think they’re ‘too old’ and should or shouldn’t be doing certain things. Ask if they want to go on holiday with you/ out for the day with you/ watch TV with you and give them some options which include everyone.

Encourage independence, but don’t force it. Keep giving them lifts from time to time, even when they’re in their 20s. The car is a great place to chat and find out more about their lives.

Keep supporting their hobbies. We still travel to watch my son compete in athletics, even though he’s at university now, because we still love watching him compete. And I drove my daughter to another city to get some new pointe shoes recently. She can drive herself, she didn’t ‘need’ me to drive. But I’ve been supporting her ballet since she was 6 and it was lovely to share that time with her.

If you can afford it, very few teenagers or young adults will turn down the opportunity to go out for coffee/ cake/ ice cream. It doesn’t need to be anywhere special – it could be half an hour at the Costa down the road. Take them individually if you can, take girlfriends and boyfriends along too if they’re around or take siblings along if they get along well (but definitely don’t take them all if they’re likely to argue!).

Just keep talking to them and keep including them. They don’t stop being a part of your family just because they’re in their late teens or 20s, so do what you can to keep them a part of the family.

I hope I’ve shown that kids growing up doesn’t have to mean them growing away. Of course you should make the most of every moment you can with your kids, whatever their age. But don’t assume they will stop wanting to hang out with you just because their ages are in double figures. Because maybe they will want to keep spending time with you well into adulthood!