My guilty pleasure is reading Heat magazine. I say ‘pleasure’, but half of the time it just winds me up. I’m too old for it. I’m reading about TV programmes I’ve never watched and never wanted to watch, about ‘celebrities’ I would never have otherwise heard of and fashions I will never wear.
Yet, like a car crash, I can’t look away.
Part of the pleasure comes from shouting at it. Well, I imagine I’m shouting at the people in it.
‘Get over yourself!’
If you’re reading this, you’re probably a woman. You’re probably a mother. You may be a wife too. Like me. Like Cheryl Cole (or whatever she’s called now), like Victoria Beckham and like Kim Kardashian.
Now I don’t have any awful lot against Cheryl and Posh. I suspect they’re quite nice people. Kim K is another matter. I think she’s a total idiot, but that’s not really the point.
The point is they weren’t always rich and famous. They’re not royalty. They’re not special. They’re women, wives and mothers.
So it makes me really angry and a little bit sad when I read about their ‘perfect family holidays’ really being about spending seven hours trying to get the perfect happy family shot on Instagram. With the aid of make-up, artists, stylists, personal trainers, photographers, nutritionists, nannies and goodness knows what else.
YOU’RE ON HOLIDAY! JUST HAVE A FLIPPING HOLIDAY AND ENJOY YOURSELF!
Or what about losing seven pounds off their already non-existent bodies so they can look even younger, even better and upstage some other celebrity rival at an award ceremony or wedding?
GET OVER YOURSELVES!
Or how about having a baby and going into hiding for three months until you can reappear looking even thinner and even more glamorous than before you got pregnant? Because it is your duty to look even better than you did before. Even though your body has just made a human. And maybe your partner could say how ‘proud’ he is of how hard you’ve ‘worked’ to get your body back.
GET OVER YOURSELVES!
How about how hard you’ve worked to look after the baby?
And who the flip wants to not go out for three months? I appreciate that Cheryl’s house and garden are a bit bigger than mine and she doesn’t have to go to Tesco or do the school run or take anyone to ballet, but surely she must be going stir crazy?! I go a bit bonkers if I haven’t left the house by 11am every day.
Why can’t she just go out looking like she’s just had a baby? Why can’t celebrities get a bit older because, actually, they are getting a bit older? Why can’t they actually have a family holiday that is a family holiday? Why can’t they share photos that have just been snapped rather than taking seven hours to set up?
Because they’re just mums. Just like you and I. They’re no different. Shouldn’t they just get over themselves and enjoy their family holidays and enjoy eating cake and enjoy going out pushing a buggy wearing a tracksuit?
Or should we get over ourselves? Should we stop expecting them to look amazing at all times?
What do you think? Should they remember what it’s like to be normal and get over themselves, or should I just stop reading Heat and find something better to do with my time?