When shopping in Next for trainers for my son (Next being one of the few shops which realises boys’ feet don’t stop growing at a 2 and their bodies don’t stop growing at a 7-8, presumably for them to fall off the earth only to return once they fit a ‘small men’s’), I spotted this Tshirt.
The slogan reads I’m kind of a big deal on my blog.
I knew I had to have that Tshirt.
Back when I started work when I was 25, young and naive, I was given a lot of freedom and autonomy in my work and, guess what? I didn’t make any mistakes. I didn’t threaten the very existence of the council by saying the wrong thing. Because my judgement was sound. Guess what? It still is.
But fast forward 15 years and things have changed. We work within tighter regulation, the tide continues to turn against part-timers who, let’s be honest, never had an awful lot of respect anyway. With all of this, I’ve become unhappy and lost confidence. Everything I do has to be signed off. That’s fine, I get that. But now it’s got to the point where half the time I’m not even trusted to get stuff signed off myself. It seems that senior managers and councillors might prefer to be contacted by someone more senior and full-time (though no more able to write or get things, right I might add) to ask for sign-off.
And sometimes I sit there and I wonder what I’m doing. This quiet, depressed little mouse. Because this isn’t how people see me on my blog. On my blog I can be who I want to be, the person I am inside. There are no rules. It’s my space and people can take it or leave – read it if you like, don’t read it if you don’t want to.
People like my blog. I know that. Real-life friends tell me they like it and I get lots of positive feedback on social media through people who have become real friends and others I know I will never meet.
They don’t see me as the quiet, unhappy part-timer.
And that’s why I needed that Tshirt. Because I know on MY blog, I am a big deal. And knowing that makes me happy. I don’t want to wear the Tshirt to blogger events. That would be totally uncool. But when I’m out with muggles, when I want to feel happy and confident, I can wear that Tshirt with pride.
You won’t be surprised to know that with a big new house and all the work we’re doing on it, plus the redundancy, spending money on clothes is not a priority right now.
But a confidence boost in a Tshirt? You can’t put a price on that.