A marriage based on trust

The other week I posted about my husband and son going off on a random Ikea trip. It was one of those quirky little posts about family life, something I will look back on in many years’ time and laugh at. What I hadn’t expected was that it would raise questions about my marriage.

People wondered why I would allow my husband to go off on his own without consulting me and without me being there to help make the decisions.

People also wondered why he spent so much on coffee. Couldn’t he make coffee at home?

My husband is my husband and my marriage is my marriage. It is a marriage based on trust and on knowing each other inside out.

We have been together for 25 years and married for nearly 18 years. We have our own personalities and our own strengths. We work as a team, we have our own jobs that we do within our family, our marriage and our home. We don’t need to consult each other on absolutely everything, because we trust each other.

Anyone who knows my husband well will know he has two speeds – 100mph or asleep. And I wouldn’t have him any other way. He works very hard and very long hours. When he’s not working, he will be cleaning the kitchen or decorating or doing the garden. He does things on a whim – a big garden project a couple of years ago was entirely done on a whim, as was decorating the spare room. He doesn’t like staying in the same place for too long, whether he’s at work or at home, so he goes out for coffee for a change of scene.

He can afford the coffee. WE can afford the coffee. I’m not going to begrudge him his little bit of pleasure for the sake of a couple of quid that he works very hard for.

And if he decides to suddenly go to Ikea without warning, that’s fine. Because I trust him to know what we need. He’s the one with the strategic brain, who can see the bigger picture, who can work out how things fit together. When he starts decorating or doing the garden, he has a picture of the finished product and what steps he will need to get there. Whereas I will just see mess and get confused and upset.

So he doesn’t need to ask me or check with me or consult with me, because I trust his judgement 100%.

Likewise, he trusts me to take all the day-to-day decisions about the kids and their schools and hobbies.

There are marriages where the women take all the decisions and marriages where the men take all the decisions. There are marriages where everything is done as a team. And that is fine. As long as nobody is controlling someone else against their will, people make their own marriages work and do things their way.

This is our way. And it works for us.

Author: Sarah Mummy

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28 Comments

  1. What a bloody cheek, hope those rude people never come across my coffee budget lol. I bet you and S are fairly balanced though with your green and black habit. I’d love a husband that could make his own decisions outside of work, most mornings I’m asked to supervise what he wears

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    • You’re probably the only person I know who could give my husband a run for his money in the coffee spending stakes! My husband is so good at making his own decisions that he chooses his own birthday and Christmas presents!

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  2. That is … so weird, that people would jump to such bizarre conclusions over an innocuous trip to Ikea!

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    • Tell me about it… There was me thinking I was just writing a quirky little post and I ended up having to defend my marriage to people on social media.

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  3. I’m a big believer in doing what works for you. Who is anyone else to say how a relationship should or should not work? Only you truly knows what works for you as a couple. I must confess that one of the things I love about reading blogs like yours is getting to see bits of real family life. I find it really interesting to read about family dynamics etc. That makes me sound so nosey but I just find humans (and relationships) utterly fascinating!

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    • Thanks very much, you’re so right! And I’m like you – I like reading about other families, but there seems to be a lot less people doing that sort of blogging these days.

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  4. That is odd that people jumped to conclusions….Eesh!
    Every relationship is different….My fella always seems to start projects on a whim and they always work out OK, better than if he had sat down and planned it with me.
    You do what works for your family x

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    • Thanks very much! It’s weird how people need to make these judgements. It’s interesting to hear that your other half makes decisions on a whim and just gets on with them too!

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  5. I can’t believe that some people, who don’t even know you, would be so rude and judgemental.
    Each to their own I say!!

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    • Well, quite! I was quite shocked. Thanks very much.

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  6. Oh this is awesome. Truly awesome. Did some folk genuinely get weird about your husband going to Ikea without you? AND HE BOUGHT COFFEE???? I simply couldn’t be in a marriage if I was meant to consult my wife about everything and worry about what she’d say if I bought a cup of coffee! What an awful relationship that would be. Who on Earth are they to criticise?

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    • Yep! People genuinely questioned these things! You’re right, what sort of a relationship would it be if you had to consult each other on everything?! I’d probably check if I intended to spend £100 on trainers, out of courtesy, but he’d never say no!

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  7. It’s funny isn’t it that people make these assumptions but good for you for writing this post. I agree that a good marriage is a partnership, my husband and I are very similar, we are a good team and we both have our strengths or weaknesses. I can’t believe that people commented about the coffee, what a bloody cheek

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    • Thanks very much! I thought it was a cheek too! If we couldn’t afford the coffee, he wouldn’t have it!

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  8. Oooh I love this post. How are people so judgmental about someone else’s marriage that has nothing to do with them? Nowt as queer as folk eh?

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    • Thanks very much! I really have no idea. If they wouldn’t want a husband who rushes off and does things on a whim, that’s fine, they’re not married to him! Personally I’m very happy to have a husband like that.

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  9. Oh I tried to comment and it disappeared. I’m so cross for you, really unfair of people to question why you would ‘let’ your husband go to Ikea. So sad that they don’t have trust in their own marriages and it makes them have to question yours.
    Nat.x

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    • So very true! Thanks very much, I really appreciate that. X

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  10. I didn’t read the original post, but all of that sounds very healthy to me. I hate when people get into a relationship and become ‘we’ who can’t do anything when they are not a ‘we’. This sounds like the sort of marriage I would want!

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    • Thanks very much! I think it’s a very good marriage! It’s lasted nearly 18 years so we can’t be going too far wrong.

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  11. What on earth? How is that anyone’s business. My husband & I live separate but combined lives. It’s exceptionally healthy & we’ve been together 20 years too. I couldn’t imagine being harassed with running everything by him or vice versa, how awful would that be!

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    • I have no idea how it should be anyone else’s business! It sounds like there are lots of couples like us who work together well without checking every single little thing with each other.

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  12. Who questioned that? What nonsense! As you say, everyone’s marriage is different but I absolutely wouldn’t question my OH if he chose to nip off to IKEA (apart from the fact that he hates the place ) I would love that he was doing something proactive with one of the children. Our marriage is similar to yours, we work as a team and each have our own roles that work. Without the other one, things would def not work! I find your marriage and family life inspiring.

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    • Thanks very much, that’s a lovely thing to say! Things definitely wouldn’t work here either if we weren’t a team. The house would be a real mess without my husband’s organisational and tidying skills and without me nobody would have any clean clothes and the kids would never been where they needed to be!

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  13. Good god what is wrong with people. Of course everybodies marriages are different, that’s why they are so unique. I would be made up if my husband went to Ikea without consulting me (though never going to happen as he hates the place lol). We are a team too, we have our own jobs, our own lives, and if he spends too much on coffee in a week well so what. People are strange when they comment on things like this. Good for you for writing this post x

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    • Thanks very much, everyone has been very supportive! A marriage should definitely be a team effort with both people playing to their own strengths. X

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  14. Wow, I’d no idea that I wasn’t allowed to make decisions without my husband’s input and vice versa! Honestly, some people! #LGRTSTUMBLE

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  15. Your relationship sounds pretty good to me, I can’t understand why anyone would get judgemental about what other couple are up to, it’s ridiculous!

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