Me and my bed

I have a complex relationship with my bed.

Sometimes, at around 8 or 9pm, I look at it and I just wish the day was over and I could climb into it and read my book. It’s not the sleep I crave, it’s the peace.

I just want to read. I don’t want to tell someone to do their homework, clean their teeth or come off their iPad. I don’t want to listen to The Simpsons blaring from the TV, put more washing away or give someone another lift. I just want to be on my own. I just want to unwind. I’ve done enough for one day, I deserve some peace and quiet.

But it doesn’t happen.

There’s always the homework, the teeth, the iPad, The Simpsons, the washing and the lifts. Plus countless other things.

I eventually get there around 11pm, by which time I’m too tired to read for long. I get to sleep quickly and, for that, I’m grateful.

If I wake up at 5am, I’m pretty pleased with myself. Because it often starts with a 4. There have been a few times recently when it’s started with a 3. OK, so it’s closer to 4 than 3 – 3.44 or 3.52, but it’s still 3. And 3 is wrong. Very wrong.

And, before I know it, a thought has slipped into my head. Not a worry as such, but a thought.

Why is my email suddenly costing me money? I’ll need to get a new email address. But what about all of those things I’ll have to change and cancel from my old email address? Should my son really do the Sport Relief run when he’s got football a couple of hours later? How will I fit all those phone calls in I’ve got to make for work? What time I should set off for that appointment? I hope my daughter is OK after she went to bed with a headache. I mustn’t forget to put the recycling boxes out…

And that’s it! I’m awake.

I try to make the thoughts go away, but then I’m just thinking about the thoughts and they’re whirring round and round even more.

I used to be able to count to distract myself and would usually be asleep before 100. Now I hardly make it to 10 before the recycling boxes and the phone calls creep back in.

And all I want to do is go back to sleep. Or, failing that, I want to get up. Because the world seems a better place when I’m up. The bed that I wanted to be in so much has now lost all of its appeal.

The thoughts can be put into perspective. They’re completely pointless. If I can do something about them, I will. I’ll change things and make sure that thought doesn’t come back the next night. But there will always be another thought.

I don’t feel tired in the way I imagine tiredness should feel. My tiredness manifests itself as a feeling of sadness. Sometimes barely discernible somewhere on the edge of my consciousness. At others a feeling which is quite overwhelming.

And so the day wears on and the cycle begins again. Ready for another long night.

Bed, Sleep, Insomnia

Author: Sarah Mummy

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13 Comments

  1. Sarah you have such a busy life it is no wonder you crave peace! I go through phases similar to you, although not quite so early! Once a thought has entered my head I am unable to let it go and for me it’s usually things beyond my control. If I do think about things I have to do I tend to get up because like you I find that preferable to lying there worrying.

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    • Glad to hear it’s not just me! It’s not much fun, is it? It definitely is easier to get up and deal with the issue rather lie there thinking about it, but sleep would be preferable!

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  2. This must be so difficult. I’m not a worrier at all, never have been. My husband is just like you though. We have many early starts when he’s worrying about something that really doesn’t compute as an issue to me. I do hope you manage to find a solution and get some proper sleep.
    Nat.x

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    • Thanks very much! You and your husband sound like me and my husband in reverse! He doesn’t think the things I worry about are worth worrying about. I know he’s right, but knowing that doesn’t stop me worrying! x

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  3. I wonder if that’s the only time you actually get to think and process which is what keeps you awake and unable to drift off again. I find two such a juggle, 3 must be completely insane some days!!

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    • Thanks very much. It probably is the only time I get to think! Having three has got so much harder now they’re all at different schools. There’s a lot more to juggle!

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  4. Oh no…Waking so early like 3am is no good at all…Sending hugs!
    I actually wrote a post this morning about my difficultly to get to sleep….
    I hope you manage to get some rest soon x

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    • Thanks very much! I’ll have to have a read of your post! I never struggle to get to sleep, it’s just the waking early that gives me problems! x

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  5. That is very early to wake up! I am just the same as you in the evenings though. All good intentions to go to bed early and then it is usually after 11am!

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  6. Ah Sarah I just had to comment on this because I go through very similar cycles. Sometimes I can be fine, but sometimes I get myself into a pattern of waking up at 4am and not being able to get back to sleep. I sit in the dark and worry about everything. Silly things like if I am going into London, I worry there will be a terrorist attack and i think well I am not going to go. Or worrying about who hasn’t paid an invoice. Or other random things. And I wake up in the morning and I feel absolutely fine- for some reason it just seems to be everything feels harder in the middle of the night. Sending you hugs as it isn’t nice. x

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  7. When I get thoughts which I can’t quiet I put on the TV to distract me, which works fine. The only problem I have is that the “sleep” setting on mine seems to be faulty and only works if I reset it on every single time I turn on the TV. Sometimes I forget, or it still won’t work, and there is nothing worse than being woken with random noises at 5am!

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  8. When I get thoughts which I can’t quiet I put on the TV to distract me, which works fine. The only problem I have is that the “sleep” setting on mine seems to be faulty and only works if I reset it on every single time I turn on the TV. Sometimes I forget, or it still won’t work, and there is nothing worse than being woken with random noises at 5am!

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  9. I am like this a lot, I wake up worrying about crazy things. Things in the future that may or may not happen and I get myself into such a state. I usually try to throw the thoughts out of my head and read something like, and easy. This usually dulls my thoughts into sleep. But sometimes it’s just a buzz of craziness x

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