Skin thoughts

I can’t bear to look in a mirror, yet I can’t drag myself away.

I inspect myself closely. Scrutinise myself.

Every detail.

Is it any better? Is it any worse?

Every time I look, it’s changed.

Every. Single. Time.

There’s blood on my pillowcase.

And blood on my hands.

Blood on my face.

And flakes of skin.

Skin falling onto my keyboard.

Skin falling onto the lenses of my glasses.

I look masculine.

There was once a reasonable-looking woman under there.

She is gone.

Will she be back?

My face has lost its shape.

It’s distorted and swollen.

My chin runs straight into my neck.

It feels like sandpaper, not skin.

I can’t bear to touch it, yet I can’t resist touching it.

It aches and it’s sore.

It throbs and it burns.

It’s so dry.

I moisturise it.

But moisturiser hurts.

Washing and cleansing hurts.

Everything hurts.

I look like Freddie Krueger.

That is not a good look.

I hate it.

Will I ever look like me again?

Will I ever feel like me again?

When?

Skin, Selfie, Acne, Rosacea

Last year I did some work with Sk:n Clinics on adult acne. They made two women up with prosthetic acne. It was horrific. I had never looked like that bad before. Yeah, you guessed it. I now look way, way worse than that.

 

Author: Sarah Mummy

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38 Comments

  1. Oh Sarah this sounds just awful. Have been reading your battle with acne/rosacea as the other posts appeared under this one. I really hope you can get the balance right and your dermatologist can sort you out. X

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    • Thanks very much, so do I! It’s been a tough few months and I just want it better now! x

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  2. i hate mirrors and glance if I have to. My eldest son phoned me on FaceTime yesterday and I found it really difficult to see myself. My spots have gone but the meds I was on have made my skin thin and sore and like you so painful to put cream on. What I was hoping for was a reduction in the redness but that’s as bad as ever – I think my only treatment option is laser treatment but that’s not available on the NHS

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    • Oh dear, I bet that’s really expensive! We talked about laser treatment years ago for my daughter’s birth mark, but were told success rates are pretty low anyway. It’s good that your spots are gone, but it’s horrible when your skin is so painful 🙁

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  3. Oh I feel for you so much that look so incredibly sore. Is there nothing the doctors can do to help? I hope you can find a solution xxxx

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    • Thanks very much! They are trying to find a solution, but haven’t got the combination quite right yet, unfortunately. I live in hope that we will get there in the end! x

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  4. Firstly can I say there is more to you than your skin. You are a beautiful, caring & lovely lady. I am so happy that blogging has brought you in to my life.

    When we last saw each other I’ll be honest your skin looked much better than I thought it was from your description. There is a magic medicine for you out there. You will find the one for you.

    In the meantime sit back and relax very not to worry about IT. We often imagine things to be far worse that they are. You know the right treatment is there for you. Drs just need to find it.

    What I’m trying to say in a waffle way is you are beautiful kind caring lady and although you hate your skin right now, don’t hate you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Sending hugs x

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    • Thank you! That is such a lovely thing to say and I really appreciate it.
      The treatment is out there somewhere, I just hope it doesn’t take much longer to find it!
      It’s nice to hear that you thought my skin didn’t look as bad as I’d described it, although it did get worse between when I saw you and when I took this photo! 🙁 x

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  5. I’m really feeling for you my love. I hope the medications kick in soon. It always takes ages for skin things to help so try to be patient. Anyone that knows you won’t care a jot what you look like. Keep strong #innerbeauty x

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    • Thanks very much, that’s such a lovely thing to say! I worry more about people I don’t know or people I know only slightly, but I guess they don’t really matter, if I’m honest with myself! x

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  6. awww Sarah i want to give you the biggest hug, this post made me cry .. I have weeks where i refuse to leave the house and the sting/sore cycle or moisturising breaks my heart … biggest *gentle* hugs in the world x

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    • Thank you! I really appreciate that. It’s good to hear from someone who knows what it’s like. So sorry to hear that you refuse to leave the house. That must be so hard. I could never do that because there’s nobody else to look after the kids in the daytime – plus I would go crazy. I’m a nightmare if I’m stuck inside! x

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  7. Oh Sarah, this made me well up. Like Candance said, there is so much more to you than your skin and I am so pleased to know, I just wish I saw you more often. I don’t know what any of us can say to make you feel better because I rather suspect it is something we can’t understand unless we have been in your shoes, much like no one can really understand what it is like for me to live with chronic pain. I truly hope that you do find the magic answer somewhere. Xx

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    • Thank you! Such a lovely thing to say. It’s so true, it’s hard to understand what others are going through. I know I really feel for you with your chronic pain, but I have no idea what it actually feels like. Here’s hoping there’s an answer for all of us out there. x

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  8. So that’s your answer. I knew it couldn’t be easy but you’re so good at not moaning about in (online anyway). I really do hope that things start working out for you. I find it so hard to comprehend that in this day and age, there is nothing to help you. Thinking of you. x

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    • Yep! That’s my answer! I don’t moan much offline either. Well, apart from about kids being untidy and noisy etc, but that’s a different kettle of fish! Treatment is working gradually, but I’m scared it will go bad again. Thanks. x

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  9. Your pain is etched in your post. I’m sure that you know that by blogging about your skin, and sharing your experience, you will be helping someone else who isn’t as confident as you. Let’s hope that the next update will bring some improvement. BW, Lx.

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    • Thanks very much, that’s such a lovely thing to say. It’s funny that I don’t have a problem with sharing these pictures on here, but won’t have a picture like this in my family album or on Facebook. x

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  10. Aw Sarah I have never met you but I know you are a beautiful and kind person both inside and out. You are the same age as me and we should be worrying about the odd wrinkle or a few grey hairs so cannot imagine what you are going through. As others have said blogging about what you are going through is hopefully helping other people. Hugs xx

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    • That’s such a lovely thing to say, Tracey, I really appreciate it. Thank you. x

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  11. Sending big hugs….Your face looks so sore and I can’t imagine how you are feeling but I hope you are feeling better soon. xxx

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    • Thanks very much. It’s gradually getting there, but still a long way to go. I’d like to be normal in time for Britmums Live!

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  12. Aw Sarah i am so sorry you are suffering as some one who has chatted with you online before we met, I can honestly hand on heart say I noticed your beautiful personality first, the lovely lady that I have chatted to online when we met last week. But I hate that it makes you feel like this and hope that you an get the right balance soon, my husband suffered with severed psoriasis 10 years ago his face looked scolded for over a year, then one day it just went it was odd, but it really knocked his confidence xx

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    • Sarah, that’s such a lovely thing to say and I really appreciate it. Sorry to hear about your husband. Amazing how it just disappeared suddenly. I can imagine that it would have knocked his confidence. x

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  13. Oh I’m so sorry to hear you are suffering so. Bad enough from a self esteem issue but to be in pain too. I do hope you find the magic combination soon.

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    • Thanks very much! My fingers are crossed that they’ve found the right one, but I’m also terrified of anything going wrong 🙁

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  14. Oh Sarah, I’m so sorry. I can relate a little bit as I’ve had problems with bad eczema on my face before. It is really difficult to face the world and it totally robs you of your confidence (and people can be really insensitive sometimes!). I hope and pray you find a solution soon. Xx

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    • Thanks very much. I have eczema on my hands and that’s bad enough! Can’t imagine how it would feel on my face. It’s strange that nobody has mentioned it, so I must be grateful that people are being sensitive rather than insensitive.

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    • Thanks very much! I’m hoping this latest combination of treatments is the one! x

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  15. What a battle that you’re going through to find effective treatment! I know it’s very easy for me to say, but please stay positive that it will very soon improve….and then improve more, while meanwhile you’re a brilliant blogger, Mum and more. I remember years ago when I had my worst psoriasis outbreak ever – after suffering strep throat – that I went around with a huge pashima covering me in the summer as it looked so bad. But I was lucky as the worse was brief and now I rarely get it at all.

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    • Thanks very much, I really appreciate that. It’s good to hear that your psoriasis cleared so quickly. I really hope my skin does the same! I would love to find some subtle way of covering myself up, but I don’t think a balaclava is subtle!

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  16. Sarah, I had no idea of your struggle. I have friends with sore adult acne and recently my skin has become red and swollen, stinging with my usually moisturisers. I’ve had back acne in the past and I can understand a tiny bit of the anxiety you feel. Thank you for writing this post. x

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    • Thanks very much. Last time you saw me I was looking flawless as my Roaccutane was working! It’s gone badly wrong since then and I’m just hoping there’s a way out of it. x

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