I wrote a couple of months ago about my friend moving away. As it happens, she didn’t go just then. They couldn’t get the kids into school straight away, so they came back for half a term. Which was great.
But did I see much of her? Not really. Did I make the most of her being there? No. I never did see that much of her, but I always knew she was there if I wanted to see her. Sometimes we would go weeks without seeing each other, sometimes we would see each other three times on the same day. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I didn’t want to see her, because I did. But there’s never much time. That same old story…
But did my kids see them? Yes, they did. And I’m so pleased about that. The boys got to spend lots of time with their friends.
But now she really is going and I feel so sad. I feel mixed up because I want to tell her I’m sorry to see her go, but I’m concentrating more on the ‘you’ll be fine, you made loads of friends here, you’ll make loads of friends there’ message. Which is all totally true.
She was my best friend for a while. But I’m not the best at being a best friend. I have too many kids, too little time. Having a husband who isn’t around all the time means you can’t just drop everything for impromptu time with a friend. Because you have to think about the kids. And, actually, I’m just not as warm and friendly as my friend. She has SO MANY friends and so many people warm to her. She moved on from me to another best friend and another and another. She is able to accommodate them all in her life and I’m just not like that. I have a handful of friends and have always spent a lot of time just me and the kids. We’ve never been into the hanging out with other families thing that most people do.
But if that’s what you choose, it means that you’re never anyone’s first choice as a friend. I’m always second, third, fourth…
I”m writing this after a farewell lunch for my friend and there is a big heavy cloud of sadness hanging over me. There were lots of women there, women with tears in their eyes, all sorry to see her go. But they don’t know her as well as me. A couple of them do – the best friends who came after me. I’m too sad to have tears in my eyes. I will do my crying in the privacy of my own home.
For me, for the kids, for being a crap friend, for not being anybody’s best friend.
I am just very, very sad and I’m struggling to even explain why. My friend is moving away. My sons’ friends are moving away. I haven’t been a brilliant friend. I’m never a brilliant friend to anyone. I don’t have that lovely warm way about me of being a friend.
I’d like to be a good friend and have a good friend.
I wrote this a week ago and didn’t post it. I considered hitting delete because it all felt too raw. My friend finally left this afternoon. I’ve seen lots of her in the last week, hugged her, cried with her and told her I’m sorry to see them all go. I feel better that I’ve done that, but still sad that she’s gone.