Like most people, I have two sides. To many people I am quiet, serious, sensible and calm. But to people who know me well, and people who read my blog, I am almost the exact opposite.
I am the person who says inappropriate things. Loudly. To the wrong people. I make jokes, I swear like a trooper. I eat too much chocolate. I’m clumsy and I drop things.
For three years now I’ve been a school governor. During that time I think I’ve been able to persuade my fellow governors that I am serious, intelligent and thoughtful. I can understand quite complicated data and I only speak when I have something pertinent to say. Although I do wear a hoodie to meetings. And sometimes jogging bottoms.
Yesterday was the inaugaral meeting of a new group of senior governors. Yes, I am a SENIOR governor. The new group has the word ‘strategy’ in the title. My colleagues will testify that I am a details person, not in the least bit strategic. Sod the bigger picture, someone has made a small typo.
As I am always
blogging busy, I’m always cutting things a bit fine. I’m never late, but I always arrive at the precise last minute for everything. School is a two minute run away (I don’t waste time WALKING). I’ve spent the morning blogging and not speaking to people, I haven’t given my head time to clear and go from ‘talking to myself and people I can’t see’ to ‘talking to real human beings/ senior governors’.
The clock is ticking. I need to be there in two minutes. My footwear of choice in winter is Dr Martens. But the downside of Doc Martens for someone who is always rushing is they always take so damn long to do up. Could I wear my Uggs? No, too muddy. So I did the one thing I tell my son off for doing. Ran out of the house without my laces done up.
I charge into the meeting room on the dot, out of breath, with laces flying and socks fallen right down under my feet. There’s hardly anyone there. I am 15 minutes early.
I sit down heavily and say loudly ‘Oh my God, I could have hung up some more Christmas cards. I didn’t even do my shoelaces up!’ First watermelon moment.
I then proceed to adjust my socks and do up my shoelaces in front of the deputy head, the chair of governors and another senior governor.
The headteachers walks in and dumps chocolate on the table – Animal bars and small packs of Smarties. I am a chocaholic. I literally lose all control when faced with chocolate. Which to eat? Smarties first. Then an Animal bar. I *think* I get away with this because I’m thin. Generally people find it funny and cool that someone as thin as me eats so much chocolate, but do governors? Second watermelon moment.
We are coming up with some wording to describe what this group of governors is all about. A fellow governor (who is a lovely bloke and a big reader of my blog) came up with council-speak, jargon nonsense. A bit like ‘blue sky thinking’. I’m all about the Plain English. I needed to tell him this wasn’t the right wording. So I came up with the most Plain English way I could of telling him.
“That’s just bollox.” Third watermelon moment.
It was probably to do with the additives in the Smarties.
Luckily everyone found it funny after they’d got over their shock.
The meeting ended before school finished, but most people thought it wasn’t worth going home.
“Of course it’s worth going home, I could hang up two strings of Christmas cards!” I say.
“And you could do your shoelaces up,” they said in return.
Fourth watermelon moment.
So now they know me.
*As you will all know, “I carried a watermelon” is a phrase from Dirty Dancing. It is much used by my lovely friend, former boss and fellow blogger Uley Girl who is forever falling over and discussing holes in her tights in front of very senior people. I didn’t know this myself because I have only seen Dirty Dancing once. When I was 14. With my mum. When it first came out at the cinema. I’m sorry, I realise this makes me Not A Proper Woman.