I carried a watermelon*

Like most people, I have two sides. To many people I am quiet, serious, sensible and calm. But to people who know me well, and people who read my blog, I am almost the exact opposite.

I am the person who says inappropriate things. Loudly. To the wrong people. I make jokes, I swear like a trooper. I eat too much chocolate. I’m clumsy and I drop things.

For three years now I’ve been a school governor. During that time I think I’ve been able to persuade my fellow governors that I am serious, intelligent and thoughtful. I can understand quite complicated data and I only speak when I have something pertinent to say. Although I do wear a hoodie to meetings. And sometimes jogging bottoms.

Yesterday was the inaugaral meeting of a new group of senior governors. Yes, I am a SENIOR governor. The new group has the word ‘strategy’ in the title. My colleagues will testify that I am a details person, not in the least bit strategic. Sod the bigger picture, someone has made a small typo.

As I am always blogging busy, I’m always cutting things a bit fine. I’m never late, but I always arrive at the precise last minute for everything. School is a two minute run away (I don’t waste time WALKING). I’ve spent the morning blogging and not speaking to people, I haven’t given my head time to clear and go from ‘talking to myself and people I can’t see’ to ‘talking to real human beings/ senior governors’.

The clock is ticking. I need to be there in two minutes. My footwear of choice in winter is Dr Martens. But the downside of Doc Martens for someone who is always rushing is they always take so damn long to do up. Could I wear my Uggs? No, too muddy. So I did the one thing I tell my son off for doing. Ran out of the house without my laces done up.

I charge into the meeting room on the dot, out of breath, with laces flying and socks fallen right down under my feet. There’s hardly anyone there. I am 15 minutes early.

I sit down heavily and say loudly ‘Oh my God, I could have hung up some more Christmas cards. I didn’t even do my shoelaces up!’ First watermelon moment.

I then proceed to adjust my socks and do up my shoelaces in front of the deputy head, the chair of governors and another senior governor.

The headteachers walks in and dumps chocolate on the table – Animal bars and small packs of Smarties. I am a chocaholic. I literally lose all control when faced with chocolate. Which to eat? Smarties first. Then an Animal bar. I *think* I get away with this because I’m thin. Generally people find it funny and cool that someone as thin as me eats so much chocolate, but do governors? Second watermelon moment.

We are coming up with some wording to describe what this group of governors is all about. A fellow governor (who is a lovely bloke and a big reader of my blog) came up with council-speak, jargon nonsense. A bit like ‘blue sky thinking’. I’m all about the Plain English. I needed to tell him this wasn’t the right wording. So I came up with the most Plain English way I could of telling him.

“That’s just bollox.” Third watermelon moment.

It was probably to do with the additives in the Smarties.

Luckily everyone found it funny after they’d got over their shock.

The meeting ended before school finished, but most people thought it wasn’t worth going home.

“Of course it’s worth going home, I could hang up two strings of Christmas cards!” I say.

“And you could do your shoelaces up,” they said in return.

Fourth watermelon moment.

So now they know me.

*As you will all know, “I carried a watermelon” is a phrase from Dirty Dancing. It is much used by my lovely friend, former boss and fellow blogger Uley Girl who is forever falling over and discussing holes in her tights in front of very senior people. I didn’t know this myself because I have only seen Dirty Dancing once. When I was 14. With my mum. When it first came out at the cinema. I’m sorry, I realise this makes me Not A Proper Woman.

Author: Sarah Mummy

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14 Comments

  1. Ace! I have lazy lace moments too- I also have biker boots that just slip on when time is too short for tying boots!

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  2. Biker boots! That’s what I need! Glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t have time for tying laces. Thanks very much for commenting 🙂

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  3. HAHA! I like that phrase 😉 I refuse to wear shoes with laces for this exact reason – I can’t be trusted. I’m all about pumps, flipflops and boots on seasonal rotation… lol x I also have two personalities; but they are both shit. 😉

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  4. Ha ha, Wally Mummy, I like the phrase too, but cannot claim any ownership – hence I’ve attributed it all properly! I’m flip flops in summer too and Uggs and wellies whenever possible in winter, but refuse to get my Uggs muddy!
    I’m sure your personalities aren’t shit!
    Thanks very much for commenting, I really appreciate it.

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  5. Well said, Sarah, I often think that when I read these awful ‘mission statements’ which often are just a paragraph of total bulls==t.

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  6. Yes know what you mean about mission statements – my son’s school sent out several for us to vote on, but they were all c**p. I wanted to add a box to the voting form and submit my own.

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  7. Thank you, James and Erica! We must all stand up in the fight against crap language! 🙂

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  8. My nod to girlieness is matching underwear, under my standard outfit of jeans and wellies. When I need to smarten up, I have a pair of pull on suede boots which go with everything, and have been worn to two Christmas parties this year.

    Good for you for being a school governor, I am definitely not institutionalised enough to sit on a committee 🙂

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  9. Lesley, we sound very similar! I bizarrely always insist on matching underwear, which is strange for someone like me. I love wearing my wellies – mainly because I don’t have to do them up! Your boots sound ideal for parties!

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  10. Ah how refreshing! I too am a school governor and say inappropriate things. They haven’t got rid of me either. I am also fairly skinny but love chocolate. :-))

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  11. Thanks very much, Trish! It’s good to know I’m not the only chocolate guzzling, skinny, inappropriate school governor! 🙂

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  12. For someone who has admittedly only seen Dirty Dancing once (what’s wrong w you?), you’re not capturing the essence of the phrase. Watch it again – it is available on DVD you know 🙂

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  13. I’m only using the phrase in the sense my friend used it – for every time she did something stupid and embarassing! Maybe I should watch the DVD…

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